(PART TWO) THE STORYTIME, ISSA LETTER
Dear -######-,
You did an amazing job making me feel grateful. Grateful for your time, grateful for your attention, grateful beyond measure just for your presence...
Heck I'd be nothing by myself. Nothing without you, remember? Credit where it's due because at such a young age as a first "love" you had that manipulation game on lock 👌🏽
Years out. Physically free but emotionally scarred. I wanted it so badly to be you. Then I wanted so badly to replace you.
I wanted a new relationship.
I wanted a best friend.
I wanted to trust again.
I wanted happiness.
So fast forward to December 2017 and who was I kidding, I still wasn't ready. It was that
. From his car. Even though it's been so long it simultaneously felt like we had seen each other just yesterday. Phone positioned at the same summertime angle, the constant eye shift he kept between me and the road (dangerous I know). Why did I pick up?
"How have you been?"
Boy was I tempted to tear into him. Tell him everything that night but where would I start?
My birthday for which I'll resent him forever?
My not so surprise flight that I literally just canceled?
His disappearance? Because only I was allowed to do that. Disappear… Being on the other side isn't fair.
My trip to Houston?
My growing closeness to his “friend”...
Small talk went to interrogation fast. By the way I've gotten really good at that now. I'm pretty sharp with my tongue. Actually I'm a walking ball of stress, if you were to see the difference from how you and I were... I'm sure you wouldn't even recognize.
Everything was a fight. I call it the "normal" that you gave me. When were you and I not arguing?
This particular guy though. He had his faults but he was nothing like you. He didn't deserve-
Here I go on a tangent.. let's continue.
We began to catch up. I purposefully left his friend out of the whole conversation and he interestingly brought Houston in
—
to it. What was I doing, who was I with... “I saw your stories” {eyeroll} You know I hate territorial people lol. Especially if nothing has been claimed in the first place. What exactly are you barking about?
Although you sir are basically road scum and currently dead to me you had some things right in being a boyfriend first before making your noise.
You might be wondering why I'm writing to you about this random situation I got in that you have nothing to do with...
It's because with all that time I held on, in the dark confused about him I... was also left to think about you.
I hate thinking about you. The role you played in the person I am today. Your first experience with love always finds a way of displaying its influence. How I ended up so withdrawn. Being guarded after you it took
YEARS
to open up to someone else. Then it bit me right back.
This new guy drew me in so deep I couldn't figure what it was about him I wasn't able to let go of but finally things are connecting. He has your same qualities. I wanted to replace the you from my beginning with a version of you I happened to stumble across in the summer of 2017.
I went looking for another master manipulator. Someone to scar me up all over again. Someone who enjoyed the constant bickering and would match it with a smirk because my feistiness was "intriguing". The way that word now annoys my spirit.
I left the "nice guys" alone because nothing was challenging there.
YOU
molded this normal for me that was hands down abnormal and universally frowned upon.
They would ask how I was so sprung when I'm being treated like I don't matter but that's because I was
USED TO THAT.
The fighting kept me in, it showed passion, heart, it was comfortable. IT wasn't right.
Now I'm a whole doctor. I'm doing a lot better for myself esteem wise. In the words of a famous Chizi Duru
you cannot talk to me anyhow
.
Anymore.
2017 was tough. 2018 had some complications. 2019 I saw there was a light at the end of this tunnel. I took care of myself. I intentionally left the opposite sex by the wayside.
I honestly didn't think I would ever want to share
me
again. I mean I know my worth I'm obsessed with me. I love me and I see no one else but me.
In my prime, I've admittedly done enough boy chasing that my stamina is now nonexistent (don't tell my Nigerian parents as far as they're concerned school and church were all I ever knew)
But to end, -######-, I'm writing this because I know you won't be seeing a word.
You may have played your role on how I previously approached relationships but I've reclaimed all of that now. This is new decade energy. I'm here for the new chapters.
All the best to you,
lol yea right
