TIME OUT
What do you know about attachment styles? Anxious. Avoidant. Secure. Fearful sub… Do you know about soul ties and trauma bonding?
I’m sure there are plenty of YouTube and Tiktok videos out there already outlining all of those concepts in different angles to appeal to different audiences. X (f.k.a Twitter) probably has multiple threads as well on these with self proclaimed couple gurus and therapists going back and forth underneath.
The complexities of relationships now almost make me yearn for the “ignorance is bliss” lifestyle from generations past. I said almost.
We all just have a lot going on… and lowkey know way too much. Maybe the time before social media got into everything would be better. The time before discourse started on when, where and how to date with people sight unseen. Individuals who on a normal basis you wouldn’t even sit next to let alone be comparing opinions with are mixing advice on situations they could never hold their own in. They’ll tell you not to tolerate one thing meanwhile under their own roofs… lol please I want out.
This cynic’s entry is mainly because, well October, you got me again. No matter how—you find a way. When I write warnings in my phone to steer clear you still make it happen. When I put pen to paper trying to affirm myself around you find a crack and slither on through. When I lean on friends and find refuge in their words and references LO AND BEHOLD!!!
And whether it lasts 12 months or 3 I’m left bruised and scarred up because I’m constantly pouring so much of myself out... October you’ve done it again. This year of 2023’s own was especially absolutely (POSITIVELY) egregious.
They say it’s better to love and lose than to not love and sure I believe it. I had an ex partner who once called me fragile. I also believe it.
I mean what’s worse heartbreak through your birthday or one through the holidays while your family’s asking about them? Now that I’ve officially experienced both guess I can expertly weigh in…
I won’t lie, the holidays add a special seasoning of “wow you really thought” if you let it. There’s a sting. But overall my hope in Jesus has gotten me way too far to stew in bitterness over what wasn’t meant for me.
8 & 18 are my numbers for a reason. Pull open Romans 8:18 real quick and read it out loud. Then read it again.
My current tribulations cannot and will not match up to my coming testimony. It’s loading so I endure. We have the tools in Christ and God’s word to endure. We fall apart. We cry. We pick up the pieces while crying. We endure.
What I actually want to do now is focus on myself as overused and cliche as it sounds.
Focus on God because I always feel so whole in that direction.
I want to carry my anxious mind and tend to it. I want to uncover how I got here. Relearn and restore my boundaries because baybeeee. I want to do the work.
I also want to retrain this phone’s algorithm. It’s living in the past thinking we’re still in a scenario that is long gone and triggers are still triggering HARD.
I went from closing everyone off, to entertaining but doing it scared (aka playing in peoples faces), to allowing myself to get hurt. Multiple times. Which means I’ve been trying.
It’s time for me to go on a break though coach. TIME OUT.
